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Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

Jul 24, 2024

2 min read

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The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone's gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.


Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don't use their name and pronouns. It's only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn't present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma'am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.


In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot know someone's gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.


As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say 'hey ladies' or 'thanks ladies'.


As a nonbinary person, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns is not nearly as uncomfortable as being referred to by other female gendered terms. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma'am.


When someone uses female coded language for me, I offer alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I often find it easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns. And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.


What gendered terms have been used for you that you found uncomfortable? What are some social situations where you typically use these gendered terms for people around you? How could you avoid using those terms or substitute neutral ones?


It takes practice. Repeat the phrases you use most often with inclusive language to get used to it. And when you make a mistake, just like with name and pronouns, correct yourself and move on.

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